time costs something

It's been 23 days into my fast. (Here's where you can see what led me here.)

It's hard to put into words exactly all that is happening inside of me. I have had a sense of freedom cutting off the outside voices. I'm still in awe how freeing that is. Can you imagine the moments of never having a negative word influencing you? It really has done a wonder in my heart.

If I had one word for these last 23 days it would be - INCREDIBLE! I'm not exaggerating. I really had no idea how much FB (and other things) was draining me. The hardest times have actually been during the day when I'm nursing the baby. It was the "go-to" when I was just sitting there feeding her. But other than that, I HAVEN"T MISSED IT ONE BIT. I actually think its going to be more difficult to return. I took the app off my phone and don't plan on putting it back on. I kept messenger. I think the fact that I have to log in to my computer to view it keeps its frequency more manageable. I don't have a lot of breathing room with that since I'm rarely sitting down as it is. Truth is, time is something I can never get back. Do I really want to give that precious gift to Facebook? No, I don't. If I watch a movie every night, that's 14 hours a week, 60 hours a month, 730 hours a year! Think of that in light of ANY screen time: television, video games, social media. It's SO EASY to waste precious time I can not get back. I'm not saying its bad, but what I am admitting to is that I am not treating my time with honor. Remember when Paul said "all things are permissible, BUT not all things are beneficial"? (1 Cor. 10:23) I have to choose which side of the fence I want to tred. Do I give up my time just because I can, or could I honor it and invest it into things that will ultimately benefit me? Think about it. What if I treated time like I treat my money? Do I just toss a $1 here, a $1 there? Most investors want a return on what they've invested. Do we treat time in the same way? It has come to my attention that if I truly want to be lead by the Holy Spirit in ALL things, in all areas of my life, I must also be willing to surrender my time. If I want to reap those things of the Spirit, my time should be invested into it. That doesn't mean I'll never watch a movie anymore, but when I do, I will feel led. I would have put thought into it. I won't give my time without actually considering if that is the best choice right now. Simply - I am choosing to be thoughtful with my time, because I have come to realize it is a precious commodity, even more valuable than money.

Think about this. When you reminisce on your childhood what type of memories first come to mind? For most people they first reflect on their parents, child-rearing, time spent with family, a memory of endearment, or even a sorrowful memory of an absent parent. It often reflects the exchange of time: Was dad or mom spending time with me? What was their involvement? What was their time being absorbed by? Were you the highlight of their day, or was their an absent parent who rarely was on the scene? Here's what I am getting at. There are MANY things I could give my time to apart from a screen: reading, writing, cleaning, organizing, doing household projects, laundry, and the list goes on. But ultimately what I desire my children to remember most....how I took the time for them. I want them to look back and remember how much I took part in the moment, enjoying them, coming alive with them, and showing them that they are deserving of my time. I saw a sign the other day that said "excuse the mess, the children are making memories..." That's a hard pill for me to swallow. I had a realization that if I want my children to fill every corner of this home with imagination, creativity, memories, then having my living space look like something from a home magazine may be impossible. I have to let go, and let God be the very breath of life in what my children are creating in this home, this home filled and centered in love. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE a clean home. The difference is, I don't stress anymore if its clean or not. I know that love is being woven in every day life, and the memories being made have nothing to do with whether its clean or not.

The memories remembered most are the ones we spend time making.

In addition to fasting  I've also been using the "extra" time, when I'm nursing the babe, or cooking dinner (because I use to catch a movie or something on Netflix while I cooked), and getting up early to spend time with the Lord before beginning my day, I've been listening to podcasts, audio bible, and youtube teachings. I have had a drastic change in my mood, perspective, and just overall outlook on my day. I feel full of purpose. Mothering has been a breath of life, rather than feeling depleted. Everyday is a surprising joy. It's like God has breathed a strength into my day that I had not had before. And the voice of God has become unreal!!! Honestly, at times it freaks me out - a stirring and a fear of the Lord filling my heart. I am in awe of what He speaks sometimes. Yet He is also so loving towards me and tender, and its always what I need. Firm, yet endearing. Really, what I'm most reserved about is losing all this beautifully rich stuff. I've been fasting FB, movies, alcohol - all things I have grown too accustom to just giving so much of my time to, and I'm wanting to come out of the fast remaining in the same tenderness while I was in it. I feel awful admitting I didn't always spend my time wisely, because I deeply desired it to change. I came out of two very intense years. I had two babies in less than 2 years, while homeschooling for the first year, along with working through some emotional healing, while learning to maintain a massive property we had recently moved into. 2014 and 2015 were by far growing pains for me, but I trusted God through the storm. And I know (though I didn't feel it then) He was there, and He loved me through it. He waited patiently for me to return to my First Love, to seek Him FIRST, and ALL things shall be added to me.

I am addicted to God. I think about all the things that are so easy to be addicted to. But I can not help it. Once you taste of Him- of His goodness, of His tender mercies, of His unconditional love, His endearing loyalty and faithfulness. You can not look back. There is nothing sweeter - nothing better. He sees me. This has set my heart free. This reality has brought truth to my heart at a new level. I can not go back. I am forever changed.

I know the issue for me wasn't the "what", it was the "why". Social media is not evil. Its not to blame for my apathy. I was to blame for my own indifference. It was the "why"- the reason I was giving my time to other things, that gets to the "heart of the matter". I became apathetic all on my own, by simply feeding the flesh rather than the Spirit. I was feeding a spiritual hunger with an earthly addiction. It doesn't take long to realize that doesn't satisfy. And as my groaning for something deeper, desperate for a breath of fresh life, I began to seek and inquire of the Lord. I began to worship, to give my time, my thoughts, my heart to Him in all that I do. Every diaper I change, every meal I make, every dish I scrub, every article of clothing I wash, every kiss and embrace I give, every moment I take to listen to my children, I have given to the Lord as an act of loving worship.

Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.  The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God.

You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life because of righteousness."

(Romans 8)

I do think forsaking something I habitually gave my time to, especially since God is jealous over that time, freed me up in a lot of ways. It gave me opportunity to yes to Him in ways I wasn't able to before. It gave me clarity on how I want to spend my time in the future- making it more purposeful. It doesn't mean I'm never going to watch a movie, or go on social media, or even have a glass of wine. It just means all I do is for Him, and I will be thoughtfully considering Him in all I do.

surrender to love

It’s not just one way with the Lord.

In the church we like to preach there's only one way. Yes, Jesus is THE WAY. And it is ONLY through Him that truth comes. Where things get a little confusing, and vision some what clouded, is when we begin to idolize one way the Lord speaks, or one way the Lord moves, or one way the Lord accomplishes something. We idolize an idea of God, rather than falling in love with Jesus Himself. When there is a move of the Holy Spirit, we leave changed. But when we try to replicate it just because that is how God moved before, it doesn't always produce the same fruit. He is always doing something new, in a new way. Getting comfortable in the works of God without life-giving relationship leads to religion.  Religion without relationship leads to bondage. It's never one way with the Lord because the basis of all that He does is on ONE THING: intimacy with Him. RELATIONSHIP. So as much as our ideas about tithing, ideas about membership in our churches, ideas about how a worship service should be run, ideas about theology, ideas about what is right or what is wrong….comes this very dichotomy: NONE OF IT MATTERS OUTSIDE OF RELATIONSHIP. You see I’m the best pretender of them all.  I’ve become great at pretending I’m an awesome spiritual person by proving I can live right. I can pretend to hear the voice of God by only regurgitating theological information that has been taught to me in the past. I can easily look like I have it all together when, spiritually, I may be falling apart. But am I falling more in love with an idea of God, more than I am falling madly in love with Jesus Himself? What leads me to do what I do? Did Jesus tell me to do, say, or live the way I have chosen to today? Do I worship Him because of duty? Do I worship Him out of discipline? Or do I worship Him out of delight? What is my driving force? Does loving Him bring me pleasure? I have come to conclude if love is not that driving force, everything else is meaningless.

Yesterday I watched a film that left me completely undone. "Compelled by Love" is a documentary based on the life of Heidi Baker and her impact on the world. Here you have a woman who puts Jesus in physical form. It's obvious she is living, breathing, tangibly loving like Jesus. It’s Him…..in Heidi’s body. I’ve personally never been able to see such a manifestation in a person. You look into her eyes filled with light and all you see is Jesus staring you in the face. I’m not idolizing her, but what I do acknowledge is that her life has been completely surrendered to the love of God. She has given herself over to Jesus 100%, and I can not deny it challenges me to most deepest and darkest parts of my heart. I. am. undone. A couple years ago I read her book, Compelled by Love, which was also a turning point in my walk with the Lord. It was through her life and the revelation of the Beatitudes I was left knowing my life was not my own. That I would “lose my life to find it” (Matthew 10:39). And again, today, all I could meditate on was how much I wanted Him. It’s a fascinating thing. I know the FULLNESS of God lives and moves and has His being in me. I lack no good thing and He has given me all that I need. But somehow there is a paradigm between that Truth and the manifestation of that fullness being lived out. I must come in agreement with that truth, but I must also learn the sweet art of surrendering to the truth. It’s not enough to know. As Believers, we often feel like we know many biblical truths. But is that what leads us to knowing Him? I personally do not think so. It’s surrendering to Truth, to Him. It’s unadulterated, completely abandoned surrender to the journey of falling in love with Him through intimacy. It’s scary. But there is no safer place to be.

If you have some time to give God, may this be a gift to you. Even if you listen in a quiet place for 20 minutes, I am sure it will be a blessing. It was to me.

simplicity and love

This hangs in my dining room:

The author can be found here

Life with 5 children, all 6 years old and younger, is soon to be my new normal. Sometimes you don't know what you're capable of until you go for it. I wasn't expecting for things to happen this quickly, but they have. Reality is, I've had to have a complete mind-shift these last 5 years. Raising children can be exhausting, but it can also be energizing. I've learned to not stress the small stuff, and find the things that are truly important to me. I owe a lot of who I have become, and even who I am becoming, to my children. A sure humbling experience everyday.

There are also days where I want to step back into old habits. You know, the ones that cause you anxiety and worry. Those things that you've learned to let go, but sometimes want to creep back into your priorities. One of those things for me is feeling the need to make everyone happy. I've always been a sensitive person, caring what others think. I put the expectation on myself to try to meet other's expectations of me. It always caused me a lot of anxiety. I learned early on (especially after becoming a mother), that I'm not capable of meeting other's expectations. Somewhere, at some point, I'm going to disappoint. I needed to make peace with that and be free from those thoughts that would keep me up at night. I learned I couldn't carry that weight - especially if I wanted to give my children first fruits (and not my left-overs from the end of the day). So much of my energy is exerted to my children these days, and for good reason. They are young. We homeschool. We homestead. I disciple them and am available to them as homemaker and everything in between. When the day is done, I really have little to give to anyone else - and that is the truth. It won't be like this forever. And truth is, the more I accept this reality as a pure gift from God, the better I can live out this "hands-free" pledge. Motherhood has taught me to let go of those things that distract me. I've redefined perfection as simplicity and love. In every home that may take on a different face. 

I'm not only living hands free, but I'm choosing to live free. Its something my children teach me everyday. Not a care in the world for them, and yet they live in such joy, seizing the gift of today. What a beautiful thing!

what is love?

What is 1 Corinthians 13 really saying?!

1 Corinthians 13 is the most commonly known verse about love, and is the most popular verse chosen at wedding ceremonies. And though the Church as a whole as seen this love chapter through the lens of marriage, it wasn't written with that being the only regard. Paul originally wrote them to address a specific situation which many of us today miss.  Paul was addressing the appropriate use of spiritual gifts to a body of believers that was divided on many issues. Above all, love was what Paul was compelling the Church to do. It wasn't only something married couples were called to, but we as a Church whole are called to walk....above everything.

Here are some of Peterson's (author of The MESSAGE translation) thoughts and my own together. Its piercing to read this in context, and absolutely life changing to read it as one who is called to walk in love (equivalent to walking by the Spirit).

If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God’s Word with power and authority, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain and simple, and if I have faith that moves mountains, but have not love I am of no value. (Not your worth value, but what you so has no value.)  If I give everything I own to the poor and die as a martyr, but I die without loving, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up. It will not fail you ever! It supersedes all things, in every situation, in every circumstance.

Love cares more for others than for self. It chooses to be selfless even when you feel taken advantage of.Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut; its not out to prove something. It is not competitive, but allows others to rise above themselves.Doesn’t have a swelled head and is not arrogant or haughty. It doesn't pretend to always have all the answers.Doesn’t force itself on others, it is sincere, considerate, and slow to  accuse.Love isn’t always “me first,”and it doesn’t fly off the handle. Love learns self-control and knows when to ask for forgiveness. Love doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, or measure one's sin to another.Love doesn’t revel when others grovel, or say "I told you so" in someone's mistake. It doesn't condemn, but brings life.Love takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, and makes it ok to make mistakes, learn and then grow.Love puts up with anything, even when you may be hurting. It pursues even when you feel betrayed.Love doesn't put trust in man, but trusts God always,Always looking for the best,Never looking back,But continues to go to the end. Love is the eternal treasure that cannot be taken from you and continues to grow into all eternity. 

Love never dies. Self-help and motivational speeches will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes (the unknown) will be canceled. And what will be left is love.

And isn't this what Christ did for us? When you examine the life of Jesus, He fulfilled all these things! He was the beautiful example of Love. If we need someone to lead by example, He is it! And its because of His grace that we can love the way He did. And He still loves this way, but now its through us. Let's be compelled to love today.

what love looks like

Joshua Tongol's been here teaching our community on visualization and the power of our mind! I'm like blown away here! I can not believe how much of the supernatural REALLY is suppose to be EASY, SIMPLE and FUN!

So ever since Tongol taught on visualization and the power of the mind I've literally just been thinking positive....about myself, about every aspect of life. It's making a huge difference as a mother, and even better in the gym! I've been speaking words of life over myself that have made me accomplish more in my day! It's nuts. In addition to that I had two accounts and one healing in the last two days that visualization aided in bringing things to pass. They were so small but so significant for me.

Yesterday, brandon and I ordered a dessert, and by faith I just said she's gonna bring us two orders (we only ordered one) and then I visualized it in my mind, her bringing us two orders of baklava. When she brought the dessert over, one for us to eat then, and then a SECOND one wrapped to go!!!! And we didn't have to pay for it...just being blessed with it! 

The Great and Beautiful Commandment

The second time was when I went to the YMCA today. Parking is always awful for me and then trying to get three little ones to follow me is harder. So today I visualized a parking spot right in front of the doors, and BEHOLD there it was when I arrived....right in front of the doors! It was blowing my mind! THEN, this is the BEST part.

I see a woman in the locker room who is in obvious pain. She's got exaggerated breathing, frustrated sighing, walking as in pain, getting dressed very slowly. As I'm getting ready I just sense The Lord so I walk up to her and ask if she wants to be healed. She asks me, "are you into alternative medicine." And I'm like, "we'll yes I am! Can I heal you?" And she says, "absolutely!" This women later tells me she has had cancer three times, fiber maloscia (spelling?), lots of stress, arthritis, and joints all a mess. she walks me over to a private area and I just begin to touch areas of her body and say IT IS DONE! I ask her to VISUALIZE with me that she is completely healed until she feels the reality of it. No pain, walking straight, breathing easy, etc . She said she felt electricity come out of my hands and felt fire every where I touched. And BAM, HEALED!!! She was walking different, bending different, and she had peace all over here. I told her that Jesus was the fire and electricity coming out of me.So now she wants to come and worship with us all on Thursdays! Here's the crazy catch! She afterwards tells me she is a witch and her husband is a transsexual and then asks me "does that matter?" I almost broke in tears of joy! Seriously. I said NO! We love you! Come and worship with us. Then she says, I know it's Jesus who healed me. I want to give you my contact info! Needless to say, I am smoked by the goodness of God today! I had love that couldn't be contained.....I never felt before! Jesus IS real! Come on!

What if we love people the way God loves them? How much more can we change the world by loving others into the truth of His love and grace! I challenge us to love like He loves.

City to City Revival